Steak: The Second Coming

You saw it from a mile away. That's right; We are going to make some motherfucking bloody ass steak (and bone dry for the ladies). There is only ONE way to cook a good steak indoors and this is it my friend. If you do not have a cast iron pan abandon all hope right fucking now. Don't try. It will taste terrible. Don't even think about putting it in your Forman Grill. In fact, throw that thing away right now. Let's begin:

Start off with a killer cut of steak. I always opt for bone in because it makes me really connect with my carnivorous side. STOP RIGHT NOW!!! DO NOT marinate or rub with any bullshit! Only salt and pepper (freshly and coarsely ground) are acceptable. Anything else will murder your beloved piece of heaven. You can garnish with whatever the fuck you want but cook the steak alone. Think of it like a player-hater at a player party. That fucker ain't gonna jive wit nones but his homies S & P.

Wait for your cast iron pan to get searing hot at about a 7 before you slap down that piece of meat. let it sizzle for about 5 min and then flip it (after flip seen above). Note the pot holder over the iron handle. That was a hard one to learn...

One minute after flipping it toss in a 375 deg oven 'as-is' for about 7ish min. Do not do this if you have a wooden or steel handle. You might think you can but like everything else, you can't.

Now that is some good looking steak eh? To cook medium-well leave it in the oven for a little longer NOT the stove top. Top off with any type of anything or eat solo. Anyway is the best ever. Pairing suggestions: Potatoes, veggies, tossed salad (sicko!), etc. You can slice up and put in enchiladas, tacos, or any other mexican food. Hey dummy, remember, if you are going to end up cooking it further in another dish, cook it one level closer to raw than desired.

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This is a drag race at 2009 rocky mountain cummins truck fest between a newer ford excursion diesel powerstroke vs an older Ford f350 powerstroke 7.3 diesel with a steak bed they ran good the lifted excursion with a 16 second and the older ford steak bed with a 17 second lots of black smoke and a burn out

Title: Boxer Koda eating his second birthday steak

Boxer Koda eating a steak on his second birthday, 10/10/10

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It's a Keeper: Turkey Breast with Mexican Squash

Do you ever think of making turkey breast? I certainly don't. My usual thoughts are chicken, fish, pork, or red meat, but I never really think to make turkey breast. It's certainly not something I crave - until now! This Turkey Breast with Mexican Squash from the May 2008 issue of Every Day with Rachael Ray was a nice change of pace.

I generally only pick recipes that have a side dish with them, mostly because I like to take all the thinking out of it. For some reason, the pressure of deciding what to make as a side dish is too much for me. I know, I have issues. So, when I saw this recipe, with the Mexican Squash on the side, I knew I had to give it a try.

This meal took me about 40 minutes to make, but it could be shorter if you are a fast chopper. Give it a try for a little something different! Here's the recipe with my comments in brackets:

SERVES 4
Prep Time: 15 min
Cook Time: 25 min

1/4 cup chili powder [Definitely ease back on tis if you aren't a fan of spicy food]
1 tablespoon ground cumin
1 1/2 teaspoons salt
8 turkey breast cutlets (about 1 1/4 pounds)
3 tablespoons vegetable oil
1 small onion, finely chopped
1 clove garlic, finely chopped
1 pound zucchini, halved and cut crosswise 1/4 inch thick
One 10-ounce package frozen corn kernels, thawed
1 cup drained canned fire-roasted diced tomatoes

1. In a small bowl, combine the chili powder, cumin and 1 teaspoon salt. Dust the turkey cutlets on both sides with the spice mixture. [I pretty much caked it on instead of dusting it, but next time I would probably do something in between.]

2. In a large skillet, heat 1 tablespoon oil over medium heat. Add the onion and garlic and cook until softened, about 5 minutes. Add the zucchini and the remaining ½ teaspoon salt and cook, stirring occasionally, for 4 minutes. Stir in the corn and tomatoes and simmer until the zucchini is tender, about 4 minutes. Cover to keep warm.

3. In another large skillet, heat the remaining 2 tablespoons oil over medium-low heat. Working in batches, add the turkey cutlets and fry until just cooked through, 2 to 3 minutes on each side. Transfer to a paper-towel-lined plate to drain. Serve with the Mexican squash.

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lately, i've been enjoying my teeny tiny garden

tiny pea pods, curly pea tendrils and baby cherry tomatoes. also a small radish harvest. cilantro and parsley and chives. emergence. it seems so miraculous that these grew from seeds in pots on the deck. i know i know it happens all the time. how could i be so charmed by pea tendrils?  i just am. and there is no denying it. so sweet. 

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Buffalo Blue Balls

These buffalo blue balls were a key menu item at a bar I used to work at but those idiots used beef. With buffalo, the succulent juices rush forth as you plunge these savory salty balls into your mouth. Once you get a taste you only want more. There is no denying the sheer power and virility of the buffalo blue balls. Let's begin:

Buffalo meat works perfectly for this dish because it is so freaking lean. You can use beef but make sure you get 10% or less otherwise you will fuck it all up. Pure meat and blue cheese is the name of this game. Cup your hand and put a little meat in it. Fill it with blue cheese. Cover it with another piece of meat and roll into a ball. Place on baking sheet. If you cannot accomplish this simple task, I would give up on life.

Bake at 350 deg for 25 min. Sprinkle with more blue cheese. Serve with the fish tacos. Eat it.

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'Blue Bird', by Buffalo Springfield, Un-Covered by Walker

(Looking to jam in PDX area)

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Vegan Double Chocolate Chip Cookies

So a few of you out there are lame-o vegans and always complain that I don't make enough vegan shit. Well guess what? I am not fucking vegan so why the hell would I go out of my way to make stuff that tastes like crap? The other day I decided to acquiesce to your demands and make some vegan cookies. Why? Because I was conversing with a vegan blogger (Writers Commentary, Epicharis) from across the pond and she said she doesn't eat cookies because she has not found a suitable egg substitute. I took this statement as a challenge to alter her cruel, cruel fate. While we are making fun of vegans, let's not forget our favorite (not really) resident vegan, Trainwreck. Let's begin:

Start by whisking 1tbl ground flaxseed with 3tbl water. This is your egg substitute. Make sure you whisk it until it turns all gelatinous and set it aside. In a large bowl mix 1c flour, 1c oats, 1/3c cocoa powder, 1tsp baking soda, 1tsp baking powder, and 1/4tsp salt. In a larger bowl cream 2 sticks of fake ass butter with 1/2c white sugar and 1/2c brown sugar. Add your "egg" and 2tsp vanilla. Since this is going to taste like shit we might as well mask it with an excessive amount of vanilla. Mix the dry into the wet and add 1c imposter chocolate chips.

This batter was really loose so I just kind of globbed it down on a baking sheet. Bad idea.
So I fucked up on my first run. Many of you don't know this but just about everything I do in the Cooking for Assholes kitchen is my first shot at it. Usually I am so fucking amazing everything turns out perfectly on the first try but not today. So what is my problem? Loose dough. Solution? Stick your dough in the fridge and chill it.
Roll it into tight balls and bake at 350 deg for 7 min. These are still a little flat but much better than before. This is as good as you are going to get for vegan cookies. Believe it or not they actually taste really good. Damn I impress myself sometimes. Eat it.

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It's a Keeper: Turkey-Tortilla Casserole

The recipe for Turkey-Tortilla Casserole by Allen Smith in the May 2008 issue of Every Day with Rachael is perfect if you are just plain lazy. Let's be honest, since Darcy was born, my days are much more full than they used to be so some nights, I'm completely wiped out. This recipe was in the Weekly Menu Planner, which is a great resource for these lazy night meals.

I really liked this recipe despite the fact that it was surprisingly simple. Sometimes, when a recipe is too simple it makes me a little skeptical. How can it be good when I don't have to work hard on it?

Admittedly, this isn't the most healthy recipe. It's got a ton of cheese, chips, and sour cream. You pretty much toss it all together in a bowl and bake it for awhile. Easy peasy. Here's the recipe with my comments in brackets:

SERVES 6
Prep Time: 20 min
Bake Time: 40 min

2 limes, quartered
1 pound turkey breast cutlets
Salt
1 large onion, finely chopped
One 4-ounce can diced jalapeño chiles, liquid reserved
Two 14.5-ounce cans fire-roasted diced tomatoes [These used to be hard to find, but now even Hunt's makes them. If you can't find them, look in the natural foods aisle for the Muir Glen brand.]
One 1-pound bag tortilla chips, lightly crushed
One 14.5-ounce can chicken broth
1 pound Mexican shredded cheese blend (about 4 cups)
1 cup sour cream, at room temperature

1. Preheat a grill pan to medium-high. Squeeze the limes over the turkey cutlets; season with salt. Grill the turkey until just cooked through, 3 to 4 minutes per side. Let cool, then slice into 2-inch-long strips.

2. Preheat the oven to 375°. In a large bowl, combine the onion, the jalapeños with their liquid and the tomatoes. Add the tortilla chips and turkey and toss well. Transfer the mixture to a greased 9-by-12-inch baking dish. Drizzle with the chicken broth and top with the cheese. Bake until the cheese is golden around the edges, about 40 minutes. Serve with the sour cream.

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Asparagus, Tomato & Feta Cheese Puff Pastry Tart Recipe

I was honored when Jen of How To: Simplify asked me to write a guest post for her blog. Her site is filled with recipes and how-to posts that are sure to make your meal preparation easier, not to mention tastier. Considering the name of her blog, I figured now was not the time to prepare something that required three days of simmering or a list full of esoteric ingredients. When you can make something tasty and impressive within 30 minutes, why slave for days? This puff pastry tart is loaded with asparagus, tomatoes, and feta cheese. If that's not enough to peak your interest, then be sure to check out my revelations about achieving golden brown, light, and crispy puff pastry.

Here is the opening line from the post: "There are times when it is necessary to slap myself on the forehead." Now head over to How To: Simplify to read the rest of the post.

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Title: Cooking with K Ep.14 Pt.2 - Tilapia with Tomato Dill Relish and Roasted Asparagus

So I've decided that every now and then, "Meatless Week" may include fish, because sometimes just beans won't do. Here's a new way to prepare Tilapia, with a great side dish. You'll notice that this meal doesn't have a lot of carbs,but when you eat it, you'll forget you noticed that!

BONUS: These two dishes can cook together and be ready in 20 minutes. ENJOY.

Ingredients...

...for the Tomato-Dill Relish:
6 roma tomatoes, chopped (or, 2 15oz. cans of diced tomatoes, drained)
2 garlic cloves, chopped
1/2 medium white onion, chopped
2 tablespoons of fresh dill, chopped
White wine vinegar to taste
Salt and pepper to taste
extra virgin olive oil
garlic infused olive oil (optional)

..for the Asparagus side dish
2 bunches of fresh asparagus, chopped
1 pint of baby bella mushrooms
1/2 medium white onion, chopped
extra virgin olive oil
salt and pepper to taste

...for the Tilapia
5 tilapia fillets, halved
kosher salt to taste
pepper to taste
extra virgin olive oil

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Black Bean Soup with Bacon & Sherry Recipe

(Head to my giveaway blog for a chance to win a $100 Visa gift card.)

The road to my husband's culinary heart is not a difficult one to follow. Contented sighs and groans of satisfaction are guaranteed with any meal that involves Mexican flavors, such as Rick Bayless' Smoky Peanut Mole with Pork Tenderloin, or black beans. While living in New York City, we ate a couple of memorable meals at Danny Meyer's acclaimed restaurant, Union Square Cafe. While this recipe is my own, I did borrow one of Union Square's serving ideas for their black bean soup. When the soup is brought to the table, a shot of sherry is offered. Stirred into the soup, the fortified wine lends a heady aroma and luxurious flavor. However, if you prefer to abstain, this soup is filled with layers of flavor that are sure to satisfy.
Read more »

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Title: Frijoles Negros (Black Beans)

http://www.YourWeightLossMentor.com

How to prepare and cook Healthy Recipes:
Frijoles Negros (Black Beans)

Ingredients:
1 pound dried black beans, picked over, and rinsed.
2 bay leaves
1/2 medium onion, chopped
1/2 medium red pepper, chopped
1/2 medium green pepper, chopped
1 tablespoon cumin
1 tablespoon oregano
1 tablespoon minced garlic
1/4 cup red wine vinegar
salt & pepper to taste
2 tablespoons olive oil

Complete Recipe & Instructions at:
http://YourWeightLossMentor.com


Music: "YBOR" by Jack Henriquez
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"Your Choices Today, Will Shape Who You Become Tomorrow"

Juan Montalvo
Boca Raton, Florida
206-426-6435

Come visit me at:
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FaceBook: http://Facebook.com/Juan.Montalvo

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Recipe #218: Zesty Zaatar Chicken - Zippity, Zangity, Zing!

As promised, here's the recipe for tonight's dinner. Yeah, I know. Another zaatar recipe. :) You can put this stuff on almost anything & it'll taste good, as evidenced by the number of zaatar-based recipes on this blog. :) Can you tell I absolutely adore the stuff?! ;)

Seriously, chicken & zaatar are one of the most heavenly, lip-smackingly delicious combinations ever. The zaatar gives it just the right amount of "zip & zing." Just try it & you'll see what I mean. :)

This recipe is so quick & easy to make that you can make it under 15 minutes flat. Practically effortless. Easy and delicious. Sounds like a winning combination to me!

Zesty Zaatar Chicken

Ingredients:
1/2 lb. (8 oz.) skinless, boneless chicken breasts, rinsed, defatted, tendons removed, & patted dry

2 Tbsp. plain bread crumbs

2 Tbsp. zaatar spice mix (see recipe)

1 Tbsp. extra virgin olive oil
1 Tbsp. garlic, peeled & finely minced (about 2 large cloves)
1 fresh, large bay leaf (or dried, if unavailable)
1/4 c. dry white wine
salt, to taste
ground black pepper, to taste
2 Tbsp. fresh mint leaves, roughly torn (for garnish)

Directions: Place rinsed, defatted chicken breasts onto a clean, non-porous surface. Cover with plastic wrap & tenderize, pounding with the bumpy, textured end of a meat mallet until 1/8" thick. Cut chicken into 2" wide strips & set aside. Thoroughly combine breadcrumbs & zaatar in a medium-sized bowl. Dip each piece of chicken into the bowl, thoroughly coating both sides. Shake off excess & lay onto a plate. Repeat this process until all chicken pieces have been breaded. Set aside.

Next, sauté garlic & bay leaf in olive oil in a large (12-13") sauté pan on low heat until tender, about 5 minutes. Stir occasionally. Deglaze with white wine, reducing liquid for just a few seconds before adding chicken. Transfer breaded chicken pieces from the plate into the pan, spacing pieces far enough apart so as not to crowd the pan. Season with salt & pepper, to taste. Cook chicken for a few minutes per side, until breaded exterior turns golden brown on both sides. Watch the pan carefully as tenderized chicken doesn't take very long to cook through & brown, 2-3 minutes at most. When ready, remove from heat & discard bay leaf. Divide into equal portions. Transfer to plates, & garnish with mint leaves. Serve immediately.

Yield: 2 servings.

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Title: Easy Raw Food Recipes-Sunflower Tomato Burgers

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Spicy Roasted Chickpeas with Rosemary & Brown Sugar Recipe

The final full week before Christmas is upon us and I'm trying not to completely lose my mind. While our pantry is filled to the brim with Chocolate & Peppermint Bark Cookies; Pine Nut, Caramel & Shortbread Bars; and Cinnamon & Almond Meringue Star Cookies, I have yet to finish my Christmas shopping and wrapping seems like a monumental task. I'm going to need some serious protein to power through my to-do list. That's where these crunchy little morsels come into play. Once the chickpeas (also known as garbanzo beans) are roasted, they are tossed with a mixture of brown sugar, fresh rosemary, cayenne pepper, and kosher salt that lends a sweet, spicy, and salty kick to these crunchy legumes. A handful of this tasty snack before elbowing my way into ToysRUs will definitely give me the edge over those other Star Wars lego-hunting, Zhu Zhu pet-seeking desperate parents.

Preheat oven to 350 degrees F.

Drain 2 cans of chickpeas (garbanzo beans) into a strainer. Rinse and drain very well. Dry the chickpeas on a large sheet of paper towel, with another sheet laid over top. Pat gently to remove excess water.

Toss chickpeas with 2 tablespoons olive oil and 1/2 teaspoon kosher salt and arrange in a single layer on a baking sheet.



Roast for 40-50 minutes, or until chickpeas are golden brown and rattle when you shake the baking sheet.

While the chickpeas are roasting, combine 2 tablespoons (packed) brown sugar, 2 tablespoons chopped fresh rosemary, 1 teaspoon olive oil, 1/4 to 1/2 teaspoon cayenne pepper (depending on your heat tolerance), and 1/2 teaspoon kosher salt in a medium bowl.


Pour the roasted chickpeas into the bowl and toss with the brown sugar mixture. Cool completely. Serve. Store in an airtight container for up to one week.


Other roasted chickpea recipes:

Kalyn's Kitchen's Crispy Roasted Chickpeas with Moroccan Spices
Words to Eat By's Curry Roasted Chickpeas
Bitchin' Camero's Garam Masala Roasted Chickpeas

Spicy Roasted Chickpeas with Rosemary & Brown Sugar

2 (14 oz) cans chickpeas (garbanzo beans)
2 tbsp plus 1 tsp olive oil
1 tsp kosher salt, divided
2 tbsp (packed) brown sugar
2 tbsp chopped fresh rosemary
1/4 - 1/2 tsp cayenne pepper

Preheat oven to 350 degrees F.

Drain chickpeas into a strainer. Rinse and drain very well. Dry the chickpeas on a large sheet of paper towel, with another sheet laid over top. Pat gently to remove excess water.

Toss chickpeas with 2 tablespoons olive oil and 1/2 teaspoon kosher salt and arrange in a single layer on a baking sheet.

Roast for 40-50 minutes, or until chickpeas are golden brown and rattle when you shake the baking sheet.

While the chickpeas are roasting, combine brown sugar, rosemary, 1 teaspoon olive oil, cayenne pepper (the amount you use depends on your heat tolerance), and 1/2 teaspoon kosher salt in a medium bowl. Pour the roasted chickpeas into the bowl and toss with the brown sugar mixture. Cool completely. Serve. Store in an airtight container for up to one week.

Printable recipe

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Title: Roasted Sweet Vegetables in Spicy Cinnamon Cider - Kosher Recipe

http://blog.kosher.com | Jamie Geller from Kosher.com shows you how to make her Roasted Sweet Vegetables in Spicy Cinnamon Cider Kosher recipe. This side dish is perfect with chicken or turkey! Simmer apple cider, white wine vinegar, olive oil, lemon juice, light brown sugar, cinnamon, nutmeg, cayenne pepper, Kosher salt and margarine in a medium pan. Pour over butternut squash, baby carrots, golden raisins, regular raisins, and sweet potatoes. Cover and bake at 375 for an hour and a half. Jamie Geller is the author of the critically-acclaimed cookbook, "Quick and Kosher: Recipes from the Bride Who Knew Nothing" (Feldheim Publishers, 2007)

For all your kosher food needs, please shop http://www.kosher.com

FIRST TIME CUSTOMERS SAVE 20% on your first order of $50 or more by using coupon code YOUTUBE at checkout!

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Saffron Risotto Chicken Casserole

This is not really a recipe but rather a bunch of shit that I threw together in a casserole dish. I had some crap sitting around the house I needed to get rid of so if you have these ingredients on hand I would highly suggest making this dish but don't run to the store to get what you need. That would be pretty stupid, but then again you never fail to surprise me. Let's begin:
Put your chicken in a small casserole dish (I only had three drumsticks to work with here). Pour in 1c arborio rice and 1 can of broth. Add 3 minced cloves of garlic, sliced onion, and a few pinches of saffron. Saffron is the spice you always hear amazing things about but can never afford on your welfare budget, loser. Bake at 350 for about 1 hour or until all the liquid has been absorbed. Eat it.

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Title: Saffron risotto ( risotto allo zafferano ) Italian recipe

One of the most famous Italian recipes: saffron risotto, or "risotto alla milanese".
Risotto alla Milanese is a typical dish from Milan

++++

Hi everyone and welcome to the GialloZafferano kitchen. I'm Deborah and today we'll be preparing a traditional dish from Milan: Saffron Risotto. Let's take a look at what we'll need:
1 2/3 cups of Arborio rice
8.5 Tablespoons of butter
An onion
One glass of white wine
4 cups of broth
A packet of saffron
A little less than a cup of grated Grana Padano cheese
Let's prepare our risotto!
In a non-stick pan, melt the butter and to that add the chopped onion. Now add the rice and mix till it begins to brown. Once the rice is toasted, it's time to add the glass of white wine and continue to stir until it's completely absorbed.
The wine has evaporated. Now we'll continue to cook the rice by continuously adding a ladleful of broth at a time and adding the next when the liquid has been absorbed.
When the rice is just about cooked, add the saffron which you can dissolve in a little bit of warm broth. Continue to mix until everything has finished cooking.
The rice is finished. Now, add the grated cheese and mix!
Here's our saffron risotto. As a luxurious finishing touch, serve the risotto with a bit of saffron sprinkled over the top.
From GialloZafferano, buon appetito and see you next time!

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persimmon pomegranate salad with mixed baby greens

i am so done with thanksgiving. it was great, nicest one yet we all concurred. but that heavy holiday food. oh my. happily, one light spot on our menu is our traditional thanksgiving persimmon pomegranate mixed greens salad. crunchy, tart, leafy, tasty, acidic counterpoint to the rest of the meal. i invented this salad about 8 years ago and we've been eating it by popular request ever since. at the time, we were living in tiburon, california, with our lovely panoramic views of the golden gate bridge and the bay from our kitchen/living room windows (my that was nice) and locally grown persimmons as well as pomegranates from southern california were abundant in the markets.

luckily, due to the magic of modern food distribution and transport, something i am thankful for every day (and especially at the holidays), i can still get these ingredients, high quality and quite fresh here in connecticut. if i was going to be a locavore, which i never will be, i would have to live in central california i think, or some other equally fertile growing region in the world. i am sure someone from new england did not come up with that locavore concept, had to have been a californian, although i'm just guessing here. i would have to build a greenhouse system to get local food and apparently that has a higher carbon load than shipping food (according to BBC news) from its traditional growing region. i just cant live without grapefruit and avocados and artichokes, chocolate, coffee and tea. or wouldn't want to. anyway, other than the pumpkin pie, (which i have professed my profound love for here on cup and table many many times), this is one of my favorite items on our yearly thanksgiving menu:

pomegranate persimmon salad

serves 6 - 8

12 ounces mixed baby greens, rinsed and dried

1/3 pomegranate, seeds only (about 1/3 cup)

1 large or 2 small fuyu persimmons, peeled and sliced

1 leek, finely sliced

dressing

2TBSP pomegranate cherry juice

3TBSP seasoned rice vinegar

3TBSP extra virgin olive oil

(a touch of dijon mustard or some minced shallots is nice here but i usually skip it because i am overwhelmed in the kitchen at this point) assemble ingredients. whisk up the dressing. pour. toss. serve. bon appetit.

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Title: Deep Jew "Rehearsal" @ The Smell 3.27.08

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Big Ass Sandwiches Food Cart

There are a million and a half food carts in downtown Portland and I never really eat at any of them. I happened to discover Big Ass Sandwiches via Twitter (I know, I am a fucking loser) and I knew immediately I had to check this place out since I am a sucker for anything with "ass" in the name. I didn't even realize it was a food cart until I got there and all I found on SW 3rd and SW Ash was this:
What the fuck? I can't believe they covered up the "ss" in "ass!" I guess there are little kids walking around but still! In any case, the owners were super fucking nice and very cool. I ordered the special of the week: "The Pork Hammer." How can you go wrong with a name like that? It consists of ham, bacon, sausage, coleslaw, and fries. For a full list of sandwiches see their menu.
On my short ride home the emanating odor of delicious pork products filled the car and made me want to pull over and cram the damn thing in my fat face. Even when I got home I started to devour it before I took a picture. To my surprise, and delight, the slaw and fries were on the inside of the sandwich. Hell-fucking-yeah.
Now with a name like "Big Ass Sandwiches," I expected this bad boy to be a little bigger. But you know what? If it was any bigger I wouldn't have been able to finish it. At least not without taking a "Big Ass Shit" first. All-in-all I fucking loved my sandwich and I will definitely be hitting them up for more. Patronize it.

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The Perfect Crust

Do you have a food processor?

No? Use a premade crust from the market. Without a food processor you, especially you, will not be able to pull it off. You just suck that bad. I can do it; You can't. Trust me.

Yes? Follow these instructions for the easiest and best crust ever!

Start with:

1 1/4th c Flour

1/2tsp Salt

one stick of chilled butter (cut into little pieces).

***for a sweet pie (e.g. pecan) add 1/2tbl sugar with flour and salt***

Just throw the flour and salt into the processor and hit it on full blast to mix that motherfucker up. Once you have achieved this difficult task you can add the butter. Use "on and off" turns to turn the mixture into a coarse meal (shown below):

Now that we have made it this far (hopefully), add 3tbl of the coldest water you have access to. If all you have is faucet water it will suffice for your pitiful attempt at making a crust from scratch...just make sure it is cold dummy.

Now slowly but surely increase pulsations ("on-off" turns in case you didn't pick up on that yet) up to the top speed until everything is mixed fully and it looks like this and you can mush it into a disc thing. Too dry? Add another tablespoon of water genius!

After you shaped the dough into a disk put it on a floured surface. If you have granite you can use a CLEAN countertop. Make sure there is ample flour as seen here. Then roll it out in a different diagonal each roll to ensure no cracking and an even roll. NO flipping. That would be retarded. Once you have rolled it out, in order to get the flattened dough into the pie pan without breaking it you have to roll it back on the pin halfway up and then slide it in - just like with a fine lady. This is difficult to describe but even harder to do it and take a picture at the same time so suck it.

So once you get it in the pan it looks like this. Fold the overhang inward all the way around and remove any excess flour but don't kill yourself doing it - it doesn't matter that much. Also don't worry about the crust being even. Only God is perfect. You truly are not.

Now it is time to crimp the edges. It is much easier than you would think. But then again you suck at everything so you will probably find a way to fuck it up. Just shape your fingers as so and go around the edge of the crust. Throw it in the fridge and start working on your filling.

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