Pecan Scones

Well I woke up this morning and the woman I had over last night absconded with ALL my muffins. Didn't I tell you they love those dried cranberries? I have coffee, but no breakfast snack. So I am going to make me some scones with pecans. If you do not have a food processor you can still make this but it is rather difficult and I really don't think you can pull it off. So just get your ass up and head to the nearest coffee shop where they employ people who CAN make scones. Just be sure not to be late to your welfare meeting with your social worker. Let's begin:

Okay so toss 2c flour, 1/4c sugar, 1-1/2tsp baking powder, 3/4tsp salt, and 1/2tsp baking soda into your food processor and mix it on full blast for a little bit. The idea is to turn all ingredients into a single ingredient. This is the key to cooking and the key to life. Don't get it? Don't worry it would make your head explode anyway you peasant. Just keep fucking whistling yankee-doodle all day long.

Once all the dry ingredients are mixed add 1 stick of chilled butter that has been cut into little pieces. Use "on-off" turns until you get something that resembles coarse meal as seen above. Then add 3/4c chopped pecans or other nuts and give it a few light turns. Hazelnuts work well too. I know what you are thinking: "why do you always have that stupid shadow in your pictures? are you simple?" Fuck you. I don't have a goddamn production studio idiot. This is my fucking kitchen and if you don't like my lighting you can kiss my fucking ass. Asshole.

Set the food processor aside but don't disassemble it. Whisk together 1/2c milk, 1/4c sour cream, 1 egg, 1tsp vanilla. Set aside 1-2tbl of this mixture to use later as a glaze. Pour the remaining amount into the food processor.

Turn the mixture over until most of the flour is combined and the dough is nice and sticky. Before you reach your hand in to pull out the dough make sure you unplug the damn thing. You might end up losing MORE of your fingers to stupidity. It would be a tragedy if you prematurely parted ways with ol' picker. Pat the dough into a disk thingy shape and place on a floured surface.

In a smooth and light manner roll the dough out into a 9" circle and cut it into eights (eight slices dummy) with a sharp knife.

Transfer the scones to a greased baking sheet. If you do not use enough flour on your rolling surface your slices will stick to the board and it will result in a mangled mess, which would actually be a good representation of your person.

Now brush the scones with the reserved wet ingredients and don't forget the backs and the sides (not the bottoms...duh). Sprinkle the tops with a generous amount of sugar. The first time I made these I was conservative on the sprinkled sugar and my lady was like "hey! where's the sugar?" to which I replied "I got your sugar right here baby."

Bake at 400 deg for 15ish minutes and immediately put on cooling rack. "Where are the other two scones? Did you burn them." Shut the fuck up! They wouldn't fit on the damn rack dumbass.

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